Yesterday evening I went to see my therapist. I have seen a therapist off and on throughout the twenty-one years since my mother's death. Every time I have gone in the past, the impetus has been largely due to the loss of my mother. Twenty-one years is a long time, but, in many ways, it feels like yesterday and I deal with the hole her death left in me year in and year out. The strange thing is, when I started to see Dr. F this go round, it really had little to do with my mother and everything to do with the fact that I can't seem to become a mother. Makes sense, I guess, that with the passage of time my mother's loss would become less and less my lifelong grief. This kind of makes me sad to realize. I hope it doesn't mean I'm forgetting. It makes me think of those 9/11 bumper stickers which read the date and Never Forget. For anyone who lived through that day on any sort of a conscious level, we can not imagine forgetting. I hope the same is true of my mother's death. I wonder if I should have a bumper sticker made that reads "12/12/90 Never Forget", just in case.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. During the course of my visit with Dr. F, I spent the majority of my time discussing my father's rapidly declining health and the family drama that has ensued. While sad, this was a topic which I could talk about without getting overly emotional. As that topic closed she asked me how my TTC efforts were going. This is not something I can talk about without getting emotional. My emotions regarding TTC are so very close to the surface every moment of every day. I am depressed, and the reason for it is all wrapped up in the fact that I can't seem to get pregnant, and as soon as she asked me, I began to cry.
When George recently remarked that I seem to be angry quite often, I told him, "I can only be angry or sad, and, if I'm sad, then I am crying, so I choose to be angry." It is what gets me through the day without appearing to be too much of a basket case. I can't imagine it's fun living with a woman who is only ever angry or sad, it's bad enough being the person who is living through it. After I relayed this thougt process to Dr. F, she recommended, in her reasonable tone, that I err on the side of being sad rather than angry so as to diminish the build up of cortisol in the body. As sensible as that seems, I don't know that I can be sad more than I already am and still function on a daily basis. If I let myself fall into sadness instead of anger, I think I might just stay in bed all day with the TV on just to drown out my thoughts. I'm sorry, Dr. F, but I just can't take your advice on this one. I hope you understand.
A part of me expects that years down the road when I don't have any children there will be some study that comes out which says cortisol is proven to diminish fertility. Wouldn't the just be the kicker?
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