Day #2: A Change in Thinking

Have I mentioned how anal I am?  It's one of the reasons why I'm a baker.  For those of you who don't bake, the "a little of this, a little of that" mentality doesn't really fly when baking.  Bakers get to have the fun of weighing ingredients out to the gram, following a recipe to a tee.  Adding salt to a cake when it is coming out of the oven, doesn't really work all that well; you're just going to have to settle for a bland cake.  Baking gives me a wonderful sense of control.  I know if I follow a tested recipe (or formula, as we bakers call it), the cake will turn out perfectly.

Just think of all the little tiny details ...
how much fun!

This is precisely why I decided temping was the way for me to ensure I would get pregnant and have a baby quickly and with minimal effort.

I loved waking up every day and seeing the story the thermometer told.  I loved seeing the temperature spike after ovulation and marveled at the coolness of the female reproductive system.  I really loved seeing my temperature stay nice and high when I had my positive hpt back in September.  It was so much fun!  Then came the months after my miscarriage ... the same old story, a spike and then the inevitable slow six day dive toward CD1.  Despite the dive, I would get my hopes up every time.  I would compare my chart to those of people who had gotten pregnant and noted that sometimes their temps weren't so high.  I would try and fool myself into thinking, despite all evidence to the contrary, "it could happen."

George noted the toll this was taking on me -- and, in all fairness, him, although he doesn't talk about it much.  He suggested I try and become a part-time temper (ie, temp from CD10 until I get a confirmed ovulation and then put it away).  We tried that last cycle.  Since we had already gotten the Fertility Friend "crosshairs", we were to start right away.  It didn't really help with my anxiety since I was already pretty sure of the outcome.  So on to the next cycle, right?  The good news was that my sister was taking us on a wonderful trip to the British Virgin Islands with her family, so I had already determined I wasn't going to temp during vacation.  It was very nice to be away on a private yacht (Did I mention it was a very swanky vacation?  Yes, I have a very generous sister.)  and not have to constantly try and not think about IF.  I only cried once the whole week, pretty much a record for me these days.

Sunset in the BVI.

The morning we got back, I whipped out my thermometer "just to see".  Imagine my surprise when my temperature was higher than it had ever been so late in my cycle.  I was really, really hopeful ... for two days, and then CD1.

After a bit of a meltdown, we (meaning me) are trying to change our thinking about this process and take some time attempting a more laid back approach.  Are you laughing yet?  I sure am; as you might have guessed, I am not so good at being laid back.  Thursday I suggested to George that we stop temping and all the timed intercourse (which, frankly, was pretty miserable) and just have sex when we want.  Of course being me, I had to put in some conditions ... it needs to be at least twice a week, every week except for the weeks I have my period, and it has to be at least once on a weekday and once on the weekend.  The plan is to try this for three months (unless the RE has a different idea).  In my mind, this is going to probably be the equivalent of three months off, but I think we (and here I don't mean me) really need it.  I just hope one of my few good eggs doesn't finally decide to come out of hiding and make an appearance.