George and I had a long "discussion" last night. This stemmed largely from the fact that I was venting to him about yet more difficulties with the insurance, and, instead of supporting me and giving me the encouragement I needed at that moment, I could tell he was thinking, "Why doesn't she just quit. It would all be so much easier." He admitted as much when he told me he was thinking, "This is going to break us." I told him it very well might if he wasn't able to give me the support I needed.
I truly just don't know what to do. I believe that at some point we will get pregnant, but George just wants it to be easy peasy, and since it has been anything but, he would love nothing more than to just give up. He recognizes that I'm not there yet, so he keeps on trucking, but he has absolutely no hope. This just makes it all the harder for me because I need to have the hope for the both of us, and when I have limited supplies of hope to go around, I don't know that I can do that. How do we go on then? Do we just quit because George doesn't want to do the drudgery? Will that help or hurt our marriage? I have my doubts that it would make things better. On the other hand, how long can I be the only one who cares about this? It weighs me down like a steel cloak I carry around on me all day long. It makes me tired. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. No matter what I do, it won't go away. George says he has been as affected by all this as much as I have been. I have my doubts on that and told him so because he's not that one dealing with it minute to minute of every single day. I doubt it's all he thinks about all day long. I doubt it curls at the corners of every little thing he does. He doesn't want to hear it, though.
This whole messed up process has me questioning whether I married the right man after all. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Are you supposed to love a man who calls the life you have together a "major suckfest"? What happened to struggling with one's partner through thick and thin? Wasn't that part of our vows? Nowhere did it say that life would be easy. In fact, I think if one asked married couples everywhere, they would agree that life isn't ever easy, but it's the good times that make the hard times bearable. I think George missed that memo.
I admit the good times are in short supply these days. George is worried that his temporary work is coming to a rapid close. The medical bills are adding up because our wretched insurance just keeps screwing us over and over again. Add TTC on to that and the fact that I was supposed to be having our little baby right about now, and anyone would agree that all adds up to a suckfest. On the other hand, though, we've got each other and I know my husband loves me. We have food on the table and enough money in the bank to pay for what we need. I have a job which pays me enough to support us both, if need be, and pays for our insurance, sucky though it may be, it could be a lot worse. We have a warm, dry home. I have a wonderful sister who will give me the brutal truth, whether I've asked or not. I have three crazy nephews and a beautiful niece who make me happy whenever I see them. I have my health and am able to train for triathlons, run the streets of Newburyport in the early morning hours, bike the back roads to Newbury on my way to acupuncture, swim laps in the pool down the road. The weather over the weekend was beautiful and I was able to plant my vegetable garden. I have gorgeous flowers blooming away on the deck and an adorable little cat who definitely prefers George, but will snuggle with me in the wee hours of the morning after he gets up. I think it's those things, the little and the not so little, that help mitigate the suckfest. We just need to keep that in mind. We need to keep remembering to think of those things that give life a little joy. Maybe if we start feeling thankful for what we have, instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we can change our perspective just a bit.
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