It has been quite a while since I wrote. I don't know why I took the break. Maybe I didn't feel like writing here was helping me all that much. At least not helping me to the extent I thought it might. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've been feeling pretty good over the last several weeks -- that is until the Great Mother's Day Meltdown. Who knows? Maybe because of the GMDM, I am here once again, trying to work through all the crap that gets bottled up inside and ends up erupting while sitting in a packed church.
We tried Clomid last cycle. The side affects weren't all that bad, except for some crazy hot flashes and horrid headaches. I guess it's just a glimpse of what life will be like when I enter menopause. Despite the very, very strong ovulation pains which I took to mean that maybe I had extra robust eggs this month, I didn't get pregnant. So it is on to the next cycle and another month of Clomid. I feel like I am spinning my wheels on this one, but there's really not much else I can do. It's all just a waiting game. Also, given the nature of my insurance, even if I wanted to take a more invasive step, I can't because it's just too much money.
I also started acupuncture. I feel like I am grasping at straws here, but I figure this is my one chance, and I've got to give it an honest try. George isn't happy about the cost. Admittedly, it's not cheap, especially when one goes every week, but I keep wondering if maybe it will work. I had hardly any spotting this past cycle, which I don't know whether to attribute to the Clomid or the acupuncture, but it is something. Of course, the lack of spotting also made me think I might be pregnant and caused me to run out and buy a pregnancy test. Thankfully, I didn't use it because when I next went to the bathroom, I had proof that I wasn't pregnant. That's a few bucks saved at least. George and I finally agreed to doing it for one full cycle and then reassess the situation. I guess this means, I won't be doing any herbal treatment. I don't even want to start that discussion with him.
Also during my hiatus, I did a (very) mini triathlon. I finished; that was my goal, and I'm glad I met it. To finish it all off, I signed up for another one in about two months. I'm hoping that with my focus on something other than babymaking, I can somehow make a baby. I know I'm not going to be able to completely forget about my cycle, but I'm hoping it won't be so all-consuming. At times I think I should just quit all this nonsense and just go about life, and if I get pregnant, I get pregnant, and if I don't ... well, I'll just have to cross that bridge and come out on the other side. I know me, though, and there is no way I could just let it all go. Not check my CM, not count days, just be like I was just a year ago. In some small way, I think training for the triathlon will give me something else to obsess over. We shall see if that works out the way I want it to.
Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this. I know I have George, I have my sister, and I have my friends who are all more than willing to be there for me, but I feel that deep down inside they really don't want to discuss this same crap over and over and over again. Rehash the same old stuff, get the same old result. I get sick of it all and I'm the one putting myself through this. Would I want to deal with this on a voluntary basis? Nothing would make me happier than to leave it all behind and never give it a second glance. Why don't I, then? It's this dream I have. I don't want to give up on it unless I have to. I'm hoping I know when enough is enough and the dream has died and I hope it is before the person that I once was, that my husband fell in love with, is gone.
I think that's it for catch up. I'm going to try and be more regular about all this because even though no one reads it, it does help me get all the stuff I keep inside out so I can deal with it and move on and hopefully avoid a GMDM part deux.
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