After I wrote my last post, I came up with an idea of a project for George and me to do to remind us how not so utterly wretched our lives are. For the next 30 days we are each writing five things for which we are thankful that day. Four days in, I must say, it's harder than I would have thought. The first five were easy -- food, job, husband, home, health, etc. After that it has taken some thought. It has forced me to think about all the little things in life that give me pleasure. All those things I just brush them aside to focus on the more dramatic "horrible" things. One of mine from today is that I'm thankful for the gentleman who plays hymns on his guitar in the subway station. I love hearing them because they are always songs I know and I really think about the lyrics. It always give me a lift while I am rushing through the station. I wonder how many other people know the songs are hymns and not just a pretty tune and if someone else gets a little lift like I do.
Another thing that I'm thankful for which I haven't put on my list because I don't quite know how to do it, is that I am thankful I am not dying or really sick. My sister's roommate from her first year at college has cancer and doesn't have long to live. She is so very, very young and has twin four-year old girls. It's just so sad. It makes you think how when you think life is just horrible, it could be so much worse and be thankful, really thankful, for what you have.
5.25.2012
5.22.2012
Day #53: Counting One's Blessings
George and I had a long "discussion" last night. This stemmed largely from the fact that I was venting to him about yet more difficulties with the insurance, and, instead of supporting me and giving me the encouragement I needed at that moment, I could tell he was thinking, "Why doesn't she just quit. It would all be so much easier." He admitted as much when he told me he was thinking, "This is going to break us." I told him it very well might if he wasn't able to give me the support I needed.
I truly just don't know what to do. I believe that at some point we will get pregnant, but George just wants it to be easy peasy, and since it has been anything but, he would love nothing more than to just give up. He recognizes that I'm not there yet, so he keeps on trucking, but he has absolutely no hope. This just makes it all the harder for me because I need to have the hope for the both of us, and when I have limited supplies of hope to go around, I don't know that I can do that. How do we go on then? Do we just quit because George doesn't want to do the drudgery? Will that help or hurt our marriage? I have my doubts that it would make things better. On the other hand, how long can I be the only one who cares about this? It weighs me down like a steel cloak I carry around on me all day long. It makes me tired. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. No matter what I do, it won't go away. George says he has been as affected by all this as much as I have been. I have my doubts on that and told him so because he's not that one dealing with it minute to minute of every single day. I doubt it's all he thinks about all day long. I doubt it curls at the corners of every little thing he does. He doesn't want to hear it, though.
This whole messed up process has me questioning whether I married the right man after all. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Are you supposed to love a man who calls the life you have together a "major suckfest"? What happened to struggling with one's partner through thick and thin? Wasn't that part of our vows? Nowhere did it say that life would be easy. In fact, I think if one asked married couples everywhere, they would agree that life isn't ever easy, but it's the good times that make the hard times bearable. I think George missed that memo.
I admit the good times are in short supply these days. George is worried that his temporary work is coming to a rapid close. The medical bills are adding up because our wretched insurance just keeps screwing us over and over again. Add TTC on to that and the fact that I was supposed to be having our little baby right about now, and anyone would agree that all adds up to a suckfest. On the other hand, though, we've got each other and I know my husband loves me. We have food on the table and enough money in the bank to pay for what we need. I have a job which pays me enough to support us both, if need be, and pays for our insurance, sucky though it may be, it could be a lot worse. We have a warm, dry home. I have a wonderful sister who will give me the brutal truth, whether I've asked or not. I have three crazy nephews and a beautiful niece who make me happy whenever I see them. I have my health and am able to train for triathlons, run the streets of Newburyport in the early morning hours, bike the back roads to Newbury on my way to acupuncture, swim laps in the pool down the road. The weather over the weekend was beautiful and I was able to plant my vegetable garden. I have gorgeous flowers blooming away on the deck and an adorable little cat who definitely prefers George, but will snuggle with me in the wee hours of the morning after he gets up. I think it's those things, the little and the not so little, that help mitigate the suckfest. We just need to keep that in mind. We need to keep remembering to think of those things that give life a little joy. Maybe if we start feeling thankful for what we have, instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we can change our perspective just a bit.
I truly just don't know what to do. I believe that at some point we will get pregnant, but George just wants it to be easy peasy, and since it has been anything but, he would love nothing more than to just give up. He recognizes that I'm not there yet, so he keeps on trucking, but he has absolutely no hope. This just makes it all the harder for me because I need to have the hope for the both of us, and when I have limited supplies of hope to go around, I don't know that I can do that. How do we go on then? Do we just quit because George doesn't want to do the drudgery? Will that help or hurt our marriage? I have my doubts that it would make things better. On the other hand, how long can I be the only one who cares about this? It weighs me down like a steel cloak I carry around on me all day long. It makes me tired. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. No matter what I do, it won't go away. George says he has been as affected by all this as much as I have been. I have my doubts on that and told him so because he's not that one dealing with it minute to minute of every single day. I doubt it's all he thinks about all day long. I doubt it curls at the corners of every little thing he does. He doesn't want to hear it, though.
This whole messed up process has me questioning whether I married the right man after all. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Are you supposed to love a man who calls the life you have together a "major suckfest"? What happened to struggling with one's partner through thick and thin? Wasn't that part of our vows? Nowhere did it say that life would be easy. In fact, I think if one asked married couples everywhere, they would agree that life isn't ever easy, but it's the good times that make the hard times bearable. I think George missed that memo.
I admit the good times are in short supply these days. George is worried that his temporary work is coming to a rapid close. The medical bills are adding up because our wretched insurance just keeps screwing us over and over again. Add TTC on to that and the fact that I was supposed to be having our little baby right about now, and anyone would agree that all adds up to a suckfest. On the other hand, though, we've got each other and I know my husband loves me. We have food on the table and enough money in the bank to pay for what we need. I have a job which pays me enough to support us both, if need be, and pays for our insurance, sucky though it may be, it could be a lot worse. We have a warm, dry home. I have a wonderful sister who will give me the brutal truth, whether I've asked or not. I have three crazy nephews and a beautiful niece who make me happy whenever I see them. I have my health and am able to train for triathlons, run the streets of Newburyport in the early morning hours, bike the back roads to Newbury on my way to acupuncture, swim laps in the pool down the road. The weather over the weekend was beautiful and I was able to plant my vegetable garden. I have gorgeous flowers blooming away on the deck and an adorable little cat who definitely prefers George, but will snuggle with me in the wee hours of the morning after he gets up. I think it's those things, the little and the not so little, that help mitigate the suckfest. We just need to keep that in mind. We need to keep remembering to think of those things that give life a little joy. Maybe if we start feeling thankful for what we have, instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we can change our perspective just a bit.
5.18.2012
Day #49: Hello, Again
It has been quite a while since I wrote. I don't know why I took the break. Maybe I didn't feel like writing here was helping me all that much. At least not helping me to the extent I thought it might. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've been feeling pretty good over the last several weeks -- that is until the Great Mother's Day Meltdown. Who knows? Maybe because of the GMDM, I am here once again, trying to work through all the crap that gets bottled up inside and ends up erupting while sitting in a packed church.
We tried Clomid last cycle. The side affects weren't all that bad, except for some crazy hot flashes and horrid headaches. I guess it's just a glimpse of what life will be like when I enter menopause. Despite the very, very strong ovulation pains which I took to mean that maybe I had extra robust eggs this month, I didn't get pregnant. So it is on to the next cycle and another month of Clomid. I feel like I am spinning my wheels on this one, but there's really not much else I can do. It's all just a waiting game. Also, given the nature of my insurance, even if I wanted to take a more invasive step, I can't because it's just too much money.
I also started acupuncture. I feel like I am grasping at straws here, but I figure this is my one chance, and I've got to give it an honest try. George isn't happy about the cost. Admittedly, it's not cheap, especially when one goes every week, but I keep wondering if maybe it will work. I had hardly any spotting this past cycle, which I don't know whether to attribute to the Clomid or the acupuncture, but it is something. Of course, the lack of spotting also made me think I might be pregnant and caused me to run out and buy a pregnancy test. Thankfully, I didn't use it because when I next went to the bathroom, I had proof that I wasn't pregnant. That's a few bucks saved at least. George and I finally agreed to doing it for one full cycle and then reassess the situation. I guess this means, I won't be doing any herbal treatment. I don't even want to start that discussion with him.
Also during my hiatus, I did a (very) mini triathlon. I finished; that was my goal, and I'm glad I met it. To finish it all off, I signed up for another one in about two months. I'm hoping that with my focus on something other than babymaking, I can somehow make a baby. I know I'm not going to be able to completely forget about my cycle, but I'm hoping it won't be so all-consuming. At times I think I should just quit all this nonsense and just go about life, and if I get pregnant, I get pregnant, and if I don't ... well, I'll just have to cross that bridge and come out on the other side. I know me, though, and there is no way I could just let it all go. Not check my CM, not count days, just be like I was just a year ago. In some small way, I think training for the triathlon will give me something else to obsess over. We shall see if that works out the way I want it to.
Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this. I know I have George, I have my sister, and I have my friends who are all more than willing to be there for me, but I feel that deep down inside they really don't want to discuss this same crap over and over and over again. Rehash the same old stuff, get the same old result. I get sick of it all and I'm the one putting myself through this. Would I want to deal with this on a voluntary basis? Nothing would make me happier than to leave it all behind and never give it a second glance. Why don't I, then? It's this dream I have. I don't want to give up on it unless I have to. I'm hoping I know when enough is enough and the dream has died and I hope it is before the person that I once was, that my husband fell in love with, is gone.
I think that's it for catch up. I'm going to try and be more regular about all this because even though no one reads it, it does help me get all the stuff I keep inside out so I can deal with it and move on and hopefully avoid a GMDM part deux.
We tried Clomid last cycle. The side affects weren't all that bad, except for some crazy hot flashes and horrid headaches. I guess it's just a glimpse of what life will be like when I enter menopause. Despite the very, very strong ovulation pains which I took to mean that maybe I had extra robust eggs this month, I didn't get pregnant. So it is on to the next cycle and another month of Clomid. I feel like I am spinning my wheels on this one, but there's really not much else I can do. It's all just a waiting game. Also, given the nature of my insurance, even if I wanted to take a more invasive step, I can't because it's just too much money.
I also started acupuncture. I feel like I am grasping at straws here, but I figure this is my one chance, and I've got to give it an honest try. George isn't happy about the cost. Admittedly, it's not cheap, especially when one goes every week, but I keep wondering if maybe it will work. I had hardly any spotting this past cycle, which I don't know whether to attribute to the Clomid or the acupuncture, but it is something. Of course, the lack of spotting also made me think I might be pregnant and caused me to run out and buy a pregnancy test. Thankfully, I didn't use it because when I next went to the bathroom, I had proof that I wasn't pregnant. That's a few bucks saved at least. George and I finally agreed to doing it for one full cycle and then reassess the situation. I guess this means, I won't be doing any herbal treatment. I don't even want to start that discussion with him.
Also during my hiatus, I did a (very) mini triathlon. I finished; that was my goal, and I'm glad I met it. To finish it all off, I signed up for another one in about two months. I'm hoping that with my focus on something other than babymaking, I can somehow make a baby. I know I'm not going to be able to completely forget about my cycle, but I'm hoping it won't be so all-consuming. At times I think I should just quit all this nonsense and just go about life, and if I get pregnant, I get pregnant, and if I don't ... well, I'll just have to cross that bridge and come out on the other side. I know me, though, and there is no way I could just let it all go. Not check my CM, not count days, just be like I was just a year ago. In some small way, I think training for the triathlon will give me something else to obsess over. We shall see if that works out the way I want it to.
Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this. I know I have George, I have my sister, and I have my friends who are all more than willing to be there for me, but I feel that deep down inside they really don't want to discuss this same crap over and over and over again. Rehash the same old stuff, get the same old result. I get sick of it all and I'm the one putting myself through this. Would I want to deal with this on a voluntary basis? Nothing would make me happier than to leave it all behind and never give it a second glance. Why don't I, then? It's this dream I have. I don't want to give up on it unless I have to. I'm hoping I know when enough is enough and the dream has died and I hope it is before the person that I once was, that my husband fell in love with, is gone.
I think that's it for catch up. I'm going to try and be more regular about all this because even though no one reads it, it does help me get all the stuff I keep inside out so I can deal with it and move on and hopefully avoid a GMDM part deux.
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